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Children of Divorce
Contributed by: DR. SEAN REIF D.C. on 4/26/2008

Children of divorce usually love both parents but get caught in the middle of battles that go on and on. Wild some parents deliberately put their children in the middle, most do so without being aware of the potential harm.

Divorced parents who have a "GOOD WORKING RELATIONSHIP" communicate with each other directly or through their attorneys. Divorced parents who have a good support system go to their friends for encouragement and to "unload". When divorced parent are deficient in either one of these area, they often put the child in the middle, thus forming what is called a relationship "TRIANGLE."

Putting the child in the middle depends upon the CREATIVITY, DESPIRATION, or ANGER of the parent. The child may be told to be the carrier of a WRITTEN or VERBAL message. While these requests may seem harmless, the kids really don't want to be the CARRIER.

Some parents turn their kids into SPIES. Some parents teach their children hot to get into their EX's computer to find out information. Some parents encourage their kids to locate the other parent's PHONE BILL and find out to whom they are talking; listening to the phone conversations. Sometimes these DOUBLE-AGENTS" spy on both sets of parents.

Children become convenient DUMPING GROUNDS for the parents. "Let me tell you what your FATHER did today!" only to slander the ex-spouse to the kids." Your father makes me so MAD. I just wanted to exchange our weekends and he refuses to work with me." When a kid hears one parent BAD-MOUTHING the other - both whom they LOVE - the child can feel ANGRY, powerless, HELPLESS, and DEFENSIVE of the attacked parent.

One of the most harmful forms of putting the children in the MIDDLE is when a parent tells the child her own fears, loneliness, hopelessness, or a need for the CHILDREN to FEEL STRONG for the parent. The child, wanting to comfort the parent, might say nothing but can be CONFUSED, burdened, AFRAID, and a need to TAKE CARE or RESCUE the hurting parent.

Some parents are lonely and want companionship and comfort, and the child is available. Some parents are needing SYMPATHY and try to extract it from their sons or daughters. Other parents have allowed themselves to become so filled with hurt and anger that in their selfishness and blindness they will do whatever helps them to feel better - even if it harms others, in this case the child.

Then, there are those who knowingly want to turn their child against their ex and gain a friend or accomplice in their child. These parents deliberately give their child information that the child does not need to hear and certainly doesn't want to know. They might tell truths about the other parent that are inappropriate for the child to know, or that might blatantly lie to turn the child against the other parent. To the child, the motive doesn't matter.

Symptoms seen in "the middle kids" can be associated with roles they take on, or emotional, or behavioral. Kids feel the stress. To cope, a child can become "the little parent" who takes care of other siblings, cooks dinner, or cleans the house in order to "help" a parent. Some of these children may look fine, but the inner world is stressed, anxious and unable to relax.

In their desire to reduce the parents' stress, kids become "on duty" to take care or rescue a parent. They seem selfless always taking care of their mother. Sadly, when this occurs, there is usually no one really taking care of the kids. Their needs go unmet. They are lauded for being so caring and strong. Trying to prevent mamma and papa from fighting with each other. Not to burden the parents about her issues because they have enough to worry about without having too worry about me. I suffer alone.

Emotional or behavioral symptoms of being in the middle can range from sleep difficulties, skipping school, or failing grades can be seen in teens and adult children caught in the middle. Some can develop tics, twitches, or addictions.

Give kids permission to tell you ANYTIME they feel you are putting them in the middle. Open up the communication and apologize when you err. Commit to leave the child out to the battles. If the ex agrees, we have taken a big step.

Divorced families can take big steps when the conspiracy is broken and the child is no longer in the middle.


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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

DR. SEAN REIF D.C.

THORNTON , CO

DR. SEAN REIF D.C. has posted 997 stories and 1147 comments since joining on 9/14/2005. DR. SEAN REIF D.C. 's average story rating is 3.08.
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