I'm feeling blue about being "Green", or maybe more precisely, not being green...enough. Sure I love the environment, but as Ed Begley Jr., and his wife have proven, it's possible to go too far.

Let me confess right up front that I do not, nor do I intend to use recyclable cloth bags for my groceries. I love plastic bags-especially the thick ones they hand out at Target and Vitamin Cottage (how ironic!).

They are perfect for lining bathroom trash cans, as packing in the care packages I send to the boys in college, and ideal for scooping puppy poop. Paper wouldn't be the same...and cloth would be ridiculous.

Again, another confession, I smash my cans and bottles up in my trash compactor along with everything else and ship it all off in the same mini-dumpster once a week. I used to recycle that stuff, but my kitchen-and my schedule-are no longer conducive to the level of organization it takes to be that "Green". I plan to improve in the future, but I've already asked God's forgiveness for now, I don't need Al Gore's special dispensation.

Speaking of Al, it's springtime and I'm thinking "carbon credits", except in my world they're called annuals and perennials. Unlike Al, my home, as non-"Green" as it may be, doesn't use enough energy to run a small country, so I'm happy doing my part with petunias. Plus, I fly coach; I've never been in first class, let alone in a private jet.

I may not have my priorities aligned with Al, but as a Colorado resident I know enough to dump the unused water in the dog's dish onto plants, or wait for full loads before I run a wash. Water is something residents of the West understand.

I've just about had it with network television, superstars, ex-veeps and even my comics preaching "Green" to me. After all, it seems Matt Lauer is being paid very well to tell us how wonderful compact fluorescent light bulbs (CFL) are.

I wonder if he will only visit "Green" locations, via donkey...or even commercial airlines during next week's "Where in the World is Matt Lauer"? What a coincidence that NBC, owned by parent company GE, is all over the "Green" revolution...and its convenient push of CFL's. Talk about "imagination at work"!

The CFL mandate has got to rank right up there with Prohibition as legislation that is doomed before it's even implemented. My frugal father would absolutely cringe at the idea of spending $2.00 or more on a single light bulb. (Higher wattage can run you over $20!) Sure, they last longer, or so they say...but what about when the dog knocks the lamp over? And have you seen fluorescent light? I predict a rise in migraines.

Not to mention that little things like dimmer switches and leaving lights on for less than 15 minutes can shorten the life of the bulb-and void any warranty. Or the extra cost for gas to drive to a drop off center to recycle little mercury bombs because state and federal regulations require they be safely disposed of. What do you do if they break on your carpet? Rope it off and call in the Hazmat team?

What about the time I found my toddler son blissfully chewing on the pieces of a broken light bulb? God knows I was worried enough about whether or not he'd swallowed any glass, but an X-ray assuaged our fears soon enough.

How long would I have to wait to find out if he'd swallowed mercury? Worst case scenario with swallowing glass was surgery...but with mercury? What if anything, can you do? What is now, many years past, a funny story, could become a sad and tragic one for future mothers.

I'm seriously considering hoarding my old Edison specials-I like the light, I like the cost, and I like not being pushed around by environmentalists. Prohibition lasted 14 years...I'm hoping a five year supply will get me through till the revolution is over and sanity returns.