This will be my seventh Mother's Day. I will celebrate it in the most appropriate manner possible... by simply being a mom. And of course, dreaming of a day in the future when my three sons will pin a corsage on my outfit, whisk me off to some wonderfully decadent champagne brunch, and toast to my many Momly virtues. Or at least pick up their own dirty laundry and bring me home a double cheeseburger.
Anyway, motherhood has taught me many things so far. Here are Twenty Five:
1) If it is sticky, it will end up on the carpet, on the dog, or in someone's hair.
2) If it stains, it will end up on the light carpet, not the dark rug, or it will end up on my white shirt.
3) If need be, I can shoot a medicinal syringe full of amoxicillin straight down the back of a squirming, screaming toddler's throat with the marksmanship skills of Annie Oakley.
4) It would be easier to put panty hose on an octopus than to use a nasal aspirator on a stuffed-up toddler's snotty nose.
5) There are days when bedtime should come at 4p.m.
6) Plastic trash cans apparently make wonderful impromptu urinals if one is a six year old boy.
7) Dried pee smells bad.
8) I should've bought stock in Kimberly Clark when I had the chance, given the amount of diapers I've been through in the past seven years.
9) Not having to buy food for dinner...... $20.00
Not having to prepare food for dinner...... $50.00
Not having to load the dishwasher after dinner......$125.00
Not having to scrape dried macaroni and cheese from under the table with a knife while singing 'Old MacDonald Had A Farm'.......Priceless.
10) To paraphrase Benjamin Franklin: Wine is proof that God loves Mothers and wants us to have just one cotton-pickin' 15 minute period of time to ourselves after the last child has asked for "just one more drink of water" for the sixteenth time that evening.
11) The physics of exactly how much water one small child can actually drink before really falling asleep are astounding and would make an excellent dissertation topic for someone who is not a mother.
12) The master bathtub makes an excellent place to store captured ants until they climb out. Then the entire master bathroom becomes an excellent place to 'stomp them dead' with your light-up Spiderman snow boots.
13) When a child falls asleep on your chest, snuggled against you and breathing deeply, the troubles of the day evaporate. Just like that.
14) Communicating with toddlers involves guesswork, lots of hand gestures, and the occasional bribe or threat. Much like hailing a cab in NYC.
15) Legos can melt if micro-waved for fifteen minutes.
16) Burnt plastic smells bad.
17) Freshly picked dandelions make the best Mother's Day bouquet of all.
18) PlayDoh M&M's do not taste anywhere near as good as real M&M's and therefore, the dog and little brothers should not eat them.
19) There are no such things as 'Laundry Fairies'.
20) Earthworms do not make good indoor pets.
21) Dead, calcified earthworms are much harder to scrape from the floor than dried macaroni and cheese.
22) Each day should have twelve extra hours, six of which to be used exclusively for sleeping.
23) Every so often, "Because I'm your Mother and I said so, that's why!" is the only answer.
24) Sometimes it's fun to eat pancakes for dinner and skip the bath.
25) I can remember the exact moment each of my children said "Mama" for the very first time.
So, embrace the chaos! Love your children! And Happy Mother's Day!