Marilynn Marchione, Medical Writer for the Associated Press, reports:

"Scientists have come up with some novel excuses, including air conditioning, lack of sleep, fewer smokers, and more sex among obese people, which can produce chubby kids."

Yep, when it comes to being fat, there are some new scapegoats in town folks; a new "Top Ten" list.

Move over David Letterman. Make way for University of Alabama biostatistician David Allison and 19 other scientists from the United States, Canada, and Italy. Following is the list, as quoted from the AP story:

1. Inadequate sleep. (Average sleep amounts have fallen, and many studies tie sleep deprivation to weight gain.)

2. Endocrine disruptors, which are substances in some foods that may alter fats in the body.

3. Nice temperatures. (Air conditioning and heating limit calories burned from sweating and shivering.)

4. Fewer people smoking. (Less appetite supression (sic).)

5. Medicines that cause weight gain.

6. Population changes. (More middle-agers and Hispanics, who have higher obesity rates.)

7. Older birth moms. (That correlates with heavier children).

8. Genetic influences during pregnancy.

9. Darwinian natural selection. (Fat people outsurvive (sic) skinny ones).

10. Assortative mating, or "like mating with like," as Allison puts it. Translation: fat people procreating with others of the same body type, gradually skewing the population toward the heavy end.

Wow, where to begin?

First of all let me say for the record: I can comment on this issue, because, dear readers, I am fat. I wasn't born fat; I am not genetically predisposed to get fat. I got fat the old-fashioned, Smith & Barney way: I earned it.

I stopped playing sports and I ate more than I, ahem, disposed of. Nobody held a gun to my head---okay, a large pepperoni pizza tried once, but he really didn't need to threaten me like that. He's always been one of my favorites.

Secondly, "biostatistician" sounds to me like a made-up position, but I will reserve my judgment (wait, can you actually reserve judgment after rendering it?? Darn.) In any event, Allison and his cohorts did caveat the list with "contributors to obesity besides diet and exercise".

Good grief. Aside from the fact that it is poor diet and lack of exercise that contribute (heavily, no pun intended) to obesity, can we find any more patsies upon which to heap this burden of weight gain?

(Fine, fine, call the Pun Police, but you'll never prove a thing.)

Seriously folks, have we really come to this? Twinkies without warning labels are responsible for our fatness? Next we'll be complaining that cartoon camels are cajoling our children into taking up smoking.

I was at McDonalds this weekend---fat as I am, I only do McDonalds once in a great while because, honestly, I really don't prefer their food---and I noted on the menu that the "Super Size" choice had a "Sold Out" sign over it. So now I it's McDonalds' fault because they offer us a larger size.

I can imagine the press conference:

Sorry, but we're afraid you can't have that much slop, at least not under the auspices of one handy number to order it. We'll sell you 100 Big Macs, 50 orders of fries, and ten Large sodas, and we won't even follow you home to make sure you share---but to be able to order just a few more ounces of Coke and a handful of fries with one menu order number? No dice. We are saving the world, after all.

(Preemptory comment: yes, I watched Morgan Spurlock's Super Size Me. In fact, I loved it, and if you haven't seen it, you should. It's both entertaining and eye-opening, a rare combination in today's stream of Hollywood dreck. But to remove the Super Size menu option because of it?)

I don't want to condescend. I am sure most of us understand the simple issue, but let me say it for clarity anyway, because somewhere out there seems to be a contingent of people who don't get it:

The majority of people gain weight because they eat too much and don't exercise.

It doesn't matter what fad diet we are talking about, at the core of the matter you probably lose weight because you are burning more calories than you are eating. Cut out the crap, walk a mile a day, and see where you are in a year. I am not saying it is easy---believe me, there are times when I wish they would take away all the bad food, or at least stop advertising it every five seconds on the tube. But come on, it's still my choice to drive down, buy it, chew it, and swallow it. You just can't shrug that off on some innocent passerby like Inadequate Sleep or Endocrine Disruptor.

(I happen to know Endocrine Disruptor, and he's really not a bad guy once you cut through all the biochemistry.)

It may only be my opinion, but the simplest answer is usually the correct answer: it is our own complacency (and love of cheeseburgers) that has our backsides expanding.

That said, I just want to know one more thing:

In a list of reasons for obesity, put together by "scientists" because obesity is a health risk and a killer, how do they make the claim that obese people live longer (see #9)?

Those damn secularists, they'll do anything to work poor old Darwin, fish-feet and all, back into the fray.

Obligatory Breakfast Club Quote:

Claire Standish: What's your name?
John Bender: What's yours?
Claire Standish: Claire.
John Bender: Claire?
Claire Standish: Claire. It's a family name.
John Bender: No, it's a fat girl's name.
Claire Standish: Oh, thank you.
John Bender: You're welcome.
Claire Standish: I'm not fat.
John Bender: Well not at present, but I can see you really pushing maximum density. See I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there's fat people that were born to be fat, and there's fat people that were once thin but became fat... so when you look at 'em you can sorta see that thin person inside...