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Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~StealthlyHumor

Shadows of Our Fathers - Response
Contributed by: Kevin Platts   on 5/19/2007

As many of us now know, when something (good or bad) happens to someone, it causes either a positive or negative reaction in their life. Someone getting a promotion usually causes euphoria, while being issued a ticket causes anger/embarrassment or frustration. Those are the immediate effects. Some of the long-term effects might be that we work harder to ensure we are valued by our company and are competitive next time a promotion becomes available. Or, we might watch our speed to ensure we aren't pulled over again. We all get this. What we don't quite understand is the effects actions have on children. What happens when a child is beat by their parent? How about when their parent yells at them? I think we all understand the short-term ramifications of these actions, but I believe it is important to look at it from all sides, short-term and long-term to ensure we all grasp what really happens.

If you were to learn your friend or co-worker was the parent of the child who was forced to use the throw rug to keep warm while locked out of the house, I assume your reaction would not be a good one. You would more than likely confront them and do everything in your power to protect the child. This is justifiable. Someone allowing their child to go through this doesn't appear to be a good parent. From the child's perspective, they are basically at a loss. You would think they would be able to obtain a house key from their parent, but in this case their parent wasn't willing to provide them with one. There next option would be to stay at a friend's house after the football games. This option might be used a number of times, but lets be honest, the child would eventually either have to tell his friend (and more than likely his parents) what was going on. This is an option; however, the boy in this case didn't want to face the embarrassment of having others know what he was going through. So, in the boy's mind, he had no choice but to tolerate being locked out.

From the parents' perspective, they didn't necessarily know the boy was locked out. I am not trying to defend them here. But it is clear the boy would sneak into the house because he wanted to avoid a confrontation with his father at all costs. So, even though the parents are basically in an indefensible position, you can't assume they know everything that's going on.

In the short-term, the boy is angry (and cold) and feels resentment towards his parents. As his relationship with his parents continues to deteriorate, the resentment will build. It will eventually get to the point where the boy really doesn't have any interest in furthering his relationship with them. He will eventually become the boy who either gets in trouble or does everything in his power to "escape." Not only to escape his parents, but escape his hometown, which has so many negative memories for him. He just wants to get away from it all.

In the long-run, as you can see, there are many bad things that can be lurking on this boy's path. First and foremost, it would be an accurate assumption to believe that this boy never felt love from his parents or anyone near and dear to him. How does one become a good adult when they have never experienced love? If you've never experienced love, you aren't necessarily good at giving love either. Therefore, as this boy becomes a man, there is a great risk he can disassociate from society and not have feelings (good or bad) towards others. It is as if he is devoid of emotion. Unfortunately, as is often the case, there is a chance this boy will father his own children. Because he was never taught how to be in a loving relationship, there's a good chance he will have a poor relationship with his own children and will more than likely be abusive towards them as well.

Now, I am not all about doom and gloom. I am all about looking at things from different angles, which I believe gives each of us a better perspective and allows us to better understand why things are the way they are. With this in mind, I have to admit the boy in the story was me. I can totally confirm I am not posting this blog entry from my prison cell. Nor are my kids (I have three) home cowering from me.

As I said before, abusive behavior is a learned behavior. I learned it, much like many others learned it as children. Although I learned it, I choice to really learn from it. What I mean, is rather than allowing this behavior to negatively impact me, I allowed it to positively influence my life. Instead of sitting there saying, "I will beat my kids because that's what my dad did to me," I chose to say, "My dad beating me wasn't right. He wasn't a good father. I will ensure if I ever have kids that I never treat them that way." Am I a perfect parent? Of course not. But I try to the best of my ability to be the father my kids deserve.

I have always succeeded in my life. Again, I am not perfect, but when it comes to work, I am a valued member of a team and have received numerous promotions/pay raises, etc. I almost hate to admit it, but I am the person I am because of my parents. I am a success at work because of them. I am a good parent because of them. Not because they did anything to support me as a parent or gave me a positive ethic, but because they taught me how not to do it.

As I look back, I would have loved to have had a loving relationship with them. However, rather than being bitter and allowing their behavior to weigh me down, I choose to be empowered by it. I never felt my dad valued who or what I was. This could have been bad for me, but again, I turned it into a positive. I know I am good at my job because of this lack of love. I have always felt I needed to be valued, so I work my butt off to prove I am worthy. I know this all sounds twisted, but it really depends on your perspective. Basically, I learned from their mistakes and won't allow their mistakes to negatively impact me now as they did when I was freezing my butt off on the porch.

Here's the other perspective. I have a brother who is close in age to me. He didn't have the ability or wherewith all to do the things I did (i.e. break away, create his own path, etc.). He still lives near my dad, constantly asks my dad for financial support and has been involved in some really bad relationships. Unfortunately, I don't know that he will ever be able to break away from my dad. For whatever reason, my brother wasn't able to "make the jump" and use the lack of love as a motivator. Because of that, it is as if he is emotionally dependent on my dad, even though my brother is approaching 40 years of age and the chances of that emotional void ever being filled by my dad are virtually non-existent. I have issues with my brother, but can almost understand why he is the way he is. I feel sorry for him.

So, understand that without all the information, it is easy to jump to conclusions. Oftentimes, the conclusions you jump to will not even be close. Look at friends, co-workers and associates and understand that you may never really know where they came from or what they went through when they were a child. Without this information, you may never be able to assess why they are the way they are. That's OK. Maybe you aren't supposed to have all the information. Maybe your job is to simply give them a fair shake and give them the benefit of the doubt without making snap judgements about them.

To read my other thoughts, please visit my blog at: www.advice-smoke-and-mirrors.blogspot.com


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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Kevin Platts

Parker , CO

Kevin Platts has posted 178 blog entries and 5 comments since joining on 5/16/2006. Kevin Platts's average blog rating is 4.8.
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