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Blog Entry 20 of 49 Barry Manilow's Wardrobe
Fans of the 1985 masterpiece about teenage angst, "The Breakfast Club", know that John Bender did have one question for Principal Vernon. To those who have never seen the movie, well, I recommend it. If you get past the title, you may find something in this blog that strikes a familiar chord in your life--something for which to cheer. You may find something worthy of a jeer. Either way, a chord has been plucked, and that’s the most I can hope for. If you find neither---or worse, disappointment---I follow the creed of Aspen's own, the late Hunter S. Thompson: Never apologize, never explain.

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~ManilowsWardrobe

I, Barista

Contributed by: Rob Guthrie   on 7/22/2006

My wife recently bought me an espresso machine for our anniversary. The traditional gift for number four is fruit or flowers. Now technically, the coffee bean is a seed, but wait a minute...the modern fourth anniversary is, appliance.

Bam! She sticks the landing! I am personally compelled to give her a 10.0, to heck with the Chinese judge.

Yep, I married her for a reason. She has many redeeming qualities, not the least of which is her invariable propensity to see the good in a guy like me, but when she brought personal espresso capability into my life, she sealed the deal.

So I have set out to become a Barista.

A coffee sommelier.

Surprisingly it's not as difficult as you might imagine (again I point out that I am the guy who weeps quietly in the corner at the thought of building anything with directions over one page, large print).

And yes, the directions are a little intimidating at first. They are significantly more than a page, and the print is, shall we say, space-efficient...but I am a determined fellow.

The first critical step, after washing the parts and filling the reservoir, is to prime the pump. (You know, I can almost hear the wheels turning in Bill Boucher's head, all the way from North Parker).

Ahem.

After the pump is ready, you need to decide your poison. See, I am pretty much a Cafe Americano guy. The darker, the richer, the better. Amy, who is not a coffee drinker per se, does love a good Mocha. She tells me mine is better than that green-and-tan competitor down the street. I can't say I am totally sure if it's the truth, but she does get that twinkle in her eye when I start steaming the old milk.

(Good Lord, Boucher, keep the snickering to yourself.)

Once the steam cycle is complete (milk heated to between 140 and 160 degrees Fahrenheit), the brew cycle is next. This is when you retrieve two of the shot glasses you stole from that college pub when you were still young enough to throw back an ounce of tequila without immediately tasting yesterday's brisket.

Now, if you've followed the directions and worked the phones correctly, out come two heavenly shots of thick, frothy, caffeine-laden goodness. For the Mochas, it's one shot into a tall mug, chocolate syrup already waiting, and then filled to the brim with hot milk.

Mmm. Who needs any other vice? Never mind Sam Taylor's Bar-B-Q, Beau Jo's Mountain Pie, or a Cold Stone Creamery At The Cocoa Banana Cabana. They all mean nothing on a day begun without that glorious, eye-opening, nerve-sizzling, caffeine blast.

Nope, I just can't start a day without my joe.

(Not to be confused with Joe---and most definitely not to be confused with Joe's Toes!).

Cappuccino is great, but I love them all: Columbian, Costa Rican, Guatemalan, Hawaiian Kona, Jamaican Blue Mountain, Kenya AA, Sumatra.

Truth told, I don't care. I love my new cappuccino machine, but you could bring me a jar of Folgers freeze-dried crystals and a plastic spoon.

So sure, call it an addiction, but the reality is, you can also make a pretty strong argument that coffee is a societal Good. Outside the fact that it renders many of us tolerable, the purported benefits of java are many and significant (props to www.wikipedia.com, the true twenty-first century collective):

Analgesic: Coffee increases the effectiveness of painkillers and can rid some people of Asthma.

Antidiabetic: Drinking coffee can reduce the risk of diabetes mellitus type 2 up to 50%.

Antineoplastic: Coffee can lower the risk for cirrhosis of the liver and has been linked to low risks for liver cancer.

Antioxidants: Studies have shown that coffee is rife with antioxidants, which prevent, among other things, heart disease and cancer.

Cardioprotective: Coffee may prevent heart disease in some people because of its ability to rid the blood of excess lipids.

Laxative: Coffee, used in moderation, can assist in the relief of constipation. Please note: used in excess of moderation, coffee can have the opposite effect!

Fertilizer: In gardens, coffee grounds are a great fertilizer because of high nitrogen content (According to the Wiki, Starbucks, as well as other coffee shops, have a specific policy of giving away coffee grounds to gardeners).

Social: Many a friendship has been extended, many a relationship begun, many a shady deal sealed, each over a hot cup of java.

The list goes on.

Coffee is the second heaviest traded commodity in the world, behind only, of course, petroleum.

And where would truckers be without a thermos full o' brew?

(In fact, where would Thermos be?)

Yes, caffeine is a stimulant, and potentially irritating and addictive. Coffee does yellow the teeth, and it is a strong contributor to halitosis. But if being irritating was a crime, Gilbert Gottfried and Bobcat Goldthwait would have starred in a tandem, public execution---and did you smell that guy who came back from lunch after the garlic linguini and fish tacos? That stuff was coming through the pores.

Bottom line, the social aspects alone are sway enough for me. So pull up a chair. Have a caf or decaf, a fat or non-fat, a latte or brew. If you really can't take the cafe, have a hot chocolate.

We won't snicker too loudly.


N.S.P.S. (Non Sequitur Postscript):

I was revisiting Dante's Inferno the other day (sipping on a nice home-brewed Cafe Americano, of course). For the record, my favorite realm is in the Eighth Circle, where all those who knowingly did evil are tormented (hypocrites, corrupt politicians, fraudulent advisors, sowers of discord, etc.). You know, basically the upper echelon of our current society. Anyway, you might disagree, but after careful literary analysis, I decided coffee shops would more than likely be located in the Second Circle (just off the speed elevator, two doors down from the hand basket).

Logic? I don't think we coffee drinkers think about the next cup so much as lust after it.

Now since this is Hell, after all, no matter which shop you pick, the barista is Roseanne Barr and the cashier, Ann Coulter. There is a full menu, but the two of them never stop bickering, and no matter how many times you place (or re-place) your order, Coulter grossly overcharges you and Roseanne inevitably brings you a pickled animal hoof, a lock of Tom Arnold's hair, and a tepid Alpo Frappuccino (sans whipped cream).


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Submitted By: Meagan Savage
posted on 7/23/2006 @ 9:22:12 PM
Rated Blog Entry
I'm not a coffee drinker (but I'm going to college in a month, so we'll have to see how long that will last) but I loved your blog. I suppose I can identify with your passion because I have several friends who work at the "green-and-tan shop down the street." It always seems so complicated. It's like a whole different language. I also loved you're "modern" anniversary gift reference. It's funny because it's true. My parents just celebrated their twentieth and I THOUGHT the gift was supposed to be platinum but they claim my brother and I should have sent them on a cruise. Sweet read. Oh, and thanks for stickin' up for me :)
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Submitted By: Bill Boucher
posted on 7/22/2006 @ 11:37:58 PM
Rated Blog Entry
Now all you need is a black turtleneck, black rimmed glasses, and a double shot of arrogance. Just kidding. The really sick part is that I was snickering when you told me to stop. TBODM.
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Submitted By: Karen Gilbert
posted on 7/22/2006 @ 6:49:12 PM
Rated Blog Entry
I love that you worked brisket into this post. Also -- I am a proud co-owner of some fancy Italian espresso machine my husband purchased on eBay that makes life worth living. (I firmly stand behind all the Societal Good hype.)
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Submitted By: Stephanie Blake
posted on 7/22/2006 @ 3:19:59 PM
Rated Blog Entry
Do I smell coffee? Yes, I will admit to being a coffee snob.
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Submitted By: Joe McDaniel
posted on 7/22/2006 @ 12:07:04 PM
Rated Blog Entry
I think by the end of your blog you had consumed too much caffeine. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Few things can beat a good cappuccino especially if you can get the cream to stay on top. Sidebar: My grandmother (who would be 115 years old if she were still alive) used to pour Coca-Cola on her house plants. She swore the caffeine made them thrive. If she had enjoyed coffee more, she might still be alive. A great read Rob.... Medical note: coffee is also a diuretic. It also make Joe's toes curl if consumed in excess.
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Showing 1-5 of 5 comments
CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Rob Guthrie

Parker , CO

Rob Guthrie has posted 49 blog entries and 302 comments since joining on 6/15/2006. Rob Guthrie 's average blog rating is 4.99.
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