Shhhhhh, I'll let you in on a dirty little secret.
Sometimes, I call in to work when I'm not sick. Yep, you heard it here. I am one of many American employees who use sick time for things other than lying in bed with a cold or flu. Is it something I'm proud of? Not particularly. Is it something I'll do again? Possibly tomorrow.
Now, before you head for the phone in the morning, undoubtedly inspired by my self-admitted lack of ethics, please adhere to a few simple guidelines; for there is a right way and a wrong way to ditch work.
The first thing to consider is what kind of person your boss is? That said, because every boss is different, let's see how your boss ranks on my official "Do You Work for a Prick?" Quiz.
1. It is a snow day. (I know, in Colorado? But bear with me.) You show up to work an hour late. After brushing off the snow and attempting to get some color back into your hands after a white-knuckler of a commute; would your boss pull you aside and give you the first grade treatment on the importance of timeliness? Yes or No?
2. Despite always making your deadlines, has your boss ever questioned your usage of internet or e-mail during work hours? Yes or No?
3. Has your boss ever described to you or your co-workers that the office should sound something like a library during work hours? Yes or No?
4. Does your boss seem to value the work week and time spent at work above all else? Even his family? Yes or No?
5. Finally, has your boss ever asked for a doctor's note after returning to work following an illness? Yes or No?
Just for the record, my boss is a sweet, kind soul whose very presence can create the spontaneous blossoming of flowers from the office plant life. In addition to making puppies wag their tales and kittens purr, he is also very soft on the eyes. Actually, if I was a woman I'd... Oh, sorry. Any way back to the quiz.
If you answered even one of the above questions with a yes, you probably work for a big prick. If not, you probably do work for an understanding employer who you actually should be honest with.
If you were to lie to them as to why you missed work you should feel really bad about it. Okay, but nice bosses are like good Samaritans. They aren't that fun to write about, so let's get back to the pricks.
To review, we've established that your boss is a prick. That said, there are certain criteria for calling in a ditch day to a prick boss that you should adhere to. Got a pen and some paper? Good. Here we go!
First off, excuses are just like lame in-laws, for us married folks out there, we all have 'em! With this in mind, learn to make your excuses in the realm of believability.
A sure-fire way to raise a red flag to a prick boss is to call in with a bad excuse. In my experience, funerals and sick relatives are an instant no-no. Nothing will set a prick boss on your trail faster than returning a day after attending a supposed grievous event looking relaxed - like, you've just had the day off. Keep in mind that prick bosses like to think of themselves as some sort of bad TV sleuth.
A fake funeral, or visit to grandma in the hospital is sure to conjure up questions. Questions like: How's Grandma? And, was the service nice? The key is to avoid questions at all costs! Questions lead to having to lie on top of your lies, compiling them, and if you're like me, you're probably a bad liar to begin with.
Obviously an illness excuse, in my opinion, is the best way to go. But, again, some caution should be taken here as well. Generally, avoid colds or the flu. While these are the most common illnesses, they also have the most lasting symptoms. When you return the next day, mark my word a prick boss will count the Kleenexes left in your trash can at the end of the day. I don't know about you, but I don't find a runny nose the easiest thing to fake in person.
Furthermore, while they make for great stories to your friends, avoid the temptation to stick it to your prick boss with clearly bogus excuses like Lime Disease, SARS, Avian Flu, or Small Pox. While these excuses are damn funny and show you have balls the size of grapefruit, they likely will end you up in the unemployment line faster than you can say e-coli!
Your best bet when calling in a bogus sick day is to go the irritable bowl syndrome route. While this is pretty gross, no one - even a prick boss - will accuse you of lying about diarrhea. Also this excuse is one, when established, can be used and re-used.
Say for example, it is a stunning, late April, Friday morning. The sun is rising, the flowers are blooming, the birds are chirping, and you spent the entire night playing Madden on your new X-Box 360. Now, who wants to go to work on a day like this? Remember though, a prick boss is always on the look out for those of us trying to mooch a three day weekend.
The Solution? Call his voice-mail. Assuming you work a typical eight to five gig, I prefer sometime between seven and eight. While this does involve actually having to get up early, it is worth while. Remember, most prick bosses wont be in before eight. Personally, I prefer to do my lying to a voice-mail recorder rather than a human being. Plus, trust me, your bed will be there all day after that little harmless voice message. Just like the old Dominos Pizza commercial that says, One call does it all!
Explain on his voice mail that because you went to Hooters the night before, you have come down with a nasty stomachache which has kept you up most of the night with unmentionables. Not to pick on Hooters here, their wings and wait staff are delicious. Um... I mean the wings are fine and the waitresses are tasty. No, sorry! I mean, I like to order their wings with a side of boobs... I mean fries! Okay, what the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, we all know prick bosses frequent Hooters. Afterall, yours probably owns the damn calandar. He bought it stupidly thinking it might help his chances of scoring more than just some extra onion rings from his waitress. That said, he can likely relate to your made up illness without thinking too much about it.
To conclude, when calling, sum up what your work-load for the day would be. Try to shoot in the middle range here, explaining everything is cool until Monday. A modest list is best, that way, you show that you are on top of your tasks and validate your job at the same time.
Well that's basically it. You know your own prick boss better than I do - so use your best judgment. Hopefully, though, by following these simple rules you, too, can enjoy a pleasant day off every once in a while. Even if you do work for a total prick!