Loss. It is a small word. According to Merriam-Webster, Loss is 1 : DESTRUCTION, RUIN. When it involves the loss of one you love, this is a fitting definition.

My mother died unexpectedly and suddenly three years ago. I was in Hawaii dropping my son off at college. The harsh ring of the hotel room phone rudely awakened me. It was my aunt telling me that my mom had passed away. My mind could not comprehend these words and yet my heart was breaking. She was telling me things I couldn't, didn't want to understand. I could hear screaming in my head and felt a crushing panic. I remember her asking me if I was alone. Yes, I'm alone! My mom is dead! I told her no, my son was with me.

Writing these words still brings tears to my eyes. Believing in God and heaven, I know my mother is in heaven and that brings me comfort. I still miss her. Every happy moment or some silly thing I want to share. When I am sad and need the comfort of her voice and the warmth of her unconditional love. Most people are more than uncomfortable with grief. They say all the wrong things. It isn't intentional, I know, but it is annoying.

When I am sad and need to share my feelings, I selfishly want it to be about my feelings. I don't want to be cheered up or distracted. I want to feel the sadness and let it go. I want to scream. I want to weep till I have no tears and all I can do is sleep. It is exhausting being strong -- keeping it together. Sometimes you need to be weak and taken care of. There is strength in needing others and a grace in allowing them to help.

Everyone deals with grief, loss in their own way and time. You cannot compare loss or say yours is greater than anyone else's. The truth is you do not know the extent of their pain, nor they yours. You can offer comfort. Merriam-Webster defines Grief 2 a: deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement. b: a cause of such suffering. synonym see SORROW. Most everyone is familiar with the seven stages of Grief -- Shock or Disbelief, Denial, Bargaining, Guilt, Anger, Depression and Acceptance & Hope. What most people don't realize is that you don't go through them in this order. At least I don't. I believe I am through the shock and disbelief stage. But I move freely between the other 6 stages.

I don't think that you ever "get over it," but you can learn to live with it. I am not defined by my loss, but it is part of who I am. It used to be that when I talked to my brother and sister, we would joke that when we did something goofy, we were "turning into mom." Now being a wife and mother, I do find myself doing and thinking the same things my mom did. Instead of being horrified, I smile.

I understand her better now, her wisdom and her pain. I am realizing that the best way to honor her and her memory is to be who I am and strive to be a better and more loving person. Not to do the things that she could not do, but to do the things I am able and destined to do. Every parent wants their children to move beyond them -- to do better. I want my children to be happy and take advantage of all the gifts God gave them. I know my mom wanted that for me.